Here we are again…it’s Pride Week. I cannot believe I missed WEME‘s one year birthday. But, I’m feeling differently about marking time these days. Endings and beginnings have kind of been melded together–one end of the spectrum seeping and sneaking into the other. Not that there’s been no marking of the transitions–of the time that has passed–but “one year” in terms of chronological time does not seem to work. It’s more complex than that. I am pulled toward marking this year-gone-by in terms of relationship, movement, changes, and things staying the same. Wow, now I can’t get Rent’s “Seasons of Love” out of my head. I guess I don’t want it out of my head. Especially Traci Thoms‘ voice. Dang she can belt it. But I digress.
So, I thought I’d mark this last year, and the here-and-now present, by acknowledging my own seasons (of love):
- I was on a journey to find my voice as a Christian Lesbian (for some reason I wanted to capitalize Lesbian, who knows?). I am still on this journey. In the process of looking for my voice in this specific way, though, I’ve found myself. As a white, historically middle-class (meaning I’m a poor grad student now, but I’ve known life through the middle-class perspective), woman…I’ve discovered that there’s more to me. I’ve discovered that I have a beautiful feminist voice, one that seeks to bring justice to all gender and sexuality. I’ve discovered that I am feminine, that I love being a woman, that I am still in the process of becoming. I’ve (continued) to discover, too, that I love women. And I’ve uncovered a deeply theological but more importantly personal understanding of the Gospel as a calling toward embracing humanity, and nurturing the humanity in others, differences and all.
- In becoming more of me, I had to leave. I left my parents and my sister. I left my known Christian “family”. I left my understanding and certainty, my “knowingness” and rigidity, my beliefs and disbeliefs. I left God the Father and found God the Mother. I left what/who I should/must/need to be and found my desire and passion. I left my box and found a world. And, I left Beloved. Leaving, I’ve come to realize, does not mean that what is left is wrong or bad. Leaving, I now believe, nurtures growth and has the potential to honor what can no longer be, but what was and what is yet to be. I left me and found me. I never disowned, denied, abandoned, or compromised who I am in this process of leaving…in fact, quite the opposite is true, I integrated, offered great dignity to, and loved all parts of me–those left and those kept. I also discovered, though, that this western and urbanized world I live in does not tolerate leaving much at all.
- I fell in love with the question. I just finished reading a chapter entitled Dancing With Uncertainty from Irwin Kula’s book Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life. Certainty, it seems, whether in the context of relationship, theology, therapy, or the past/future is binding and concealing. It is in uncertainty, in loving the question more than the answer, that surprise happens. Maybe that’s what I’ve fallen in love with: surprise. Either way, I am grateful for Kula’s words around dancing with uncertainty because it calls me to action, to movement, and to doing so unabashedly. When I considered what it means for me to dance in uncertainty within the context of relationship, this was my stream of thought:
This dance is an invitation to be who I am, to live intentionally into myself in relationship. Not knowing the response of the other/not dependent on the certainty of the relationship, but the freedom to offer my presence without compromise. Risking on behalf of the beauty of the relationship that is yet to be–and loving who I am with others.
- I’ve invited others to join me on this journey of exploring all the parts of who I am. And I have been pleasantly–and shockingly, at times–surprised by the amazing company I have gained. Both in “real life” and in blog land. I firmly believe that I know more of myself as I am in relationship with others. Though I have not been to church regularly in God knows how long (literally, God only knows), I have found my church in my friendships, often over a beer (or two) and good food. I have attended church religiously in the form of random adventures with my cohorts to sushi restaurants, Seattle parks, book readings, catching shows at the Tractor Tavern, Gypsy Adventure getaways, Compline services, and lounging in the (sometimes…well, actually, most times not at all) sun shiny outdoor cafés. It is so good to experience who I am as i am reflected by the others in my life, and it is in our difference that we find our sweetest connectedness.
- My very first post was essentially a poem illustrating “where I’m from“, and now I wonder even more about who I am now, and I am invested in the present. Recently, I’ve developed at least a rough draft of my therapeutic stance (what I would describe to my future clients what doing therapy with me would look like), and in doing so I have learned more of where I am now and how the past is alive in the present. So, I am dedicated to story, and I am dedicated to my intuition and my gut. Mostly for me…right now. Each day I learn more of what it means to listen to myself (my heart, my desire, my delight, my grief, my being). And it is so good.
- Lastly, I am learning and living by this: love begets love.
I am in love with life. I have held dear the moments, days, seasons of despair and grief, and I’ve danced well in life and delight. I have surprised myself and am grateful for growth and curiosity. Thank God I am here, in this place called Seattle, with the people I am with, exploring the messiness of relationship and humanity. Thank God I am me.
Here’s my cheers–I am raising my abundant glass, so to speak–to another week full of pride and hope and to another season (year) of dancing with abandon into all of who I am.
(Illustration credit to Huch MacLeod at Gapingvoid)
Just want to say thank you for sharing the journey. It has been appreciated.
Scott, thanks for your kindness and your company (even from afar)!
love.
Jon, I have so loved your company! And waffles. I love those, too. But, not as much as you, you see. I will definitely miss you at Pride this year. I will celebrate hard and well for you! For us! Love you.
Thank you so much for reading yet alone referring to my book…I am very touched. You write with such honesty and grace about the journey that each of us whoever and wherever we are need to be on. You are so right that we can’t discover all of our parts independent of relationship and right there is the biggest dance of all…and wow is there a difference between a waltz, a tango, disco, the cha cha…so dance, dance, dance all night long…blessings,
Irwin
Irwin,
Thank you for your kind response. I read first only the chapter on “Dancing with Uncertainty” but could not put the book down at that point. Interestingly, that chapter was assigned for a Professional Ethics class I just finished for my MA in Counseling Psychology. It is so good to be reminded and called to the dance. I must admit that the words I write here are uncensored at best, and I am honored that you might read them and acknowledge the dance I’ve engaged. I cannot tell you how amazing it is (freeing, liberating, life-giving) to enter the realm of uncertainty–and how restorative and redemptive it is to dance (all the different dances) with uncertainty. Thank you for what you’ve offered. Peace to you.
If it is not too personal where was that professional ethics class taught and who was the teacher that assigned my book…continue to write uncensored as you have a very interesting blog here that is wise and incredibly aesthetic…
No, not too personal at all! I attend the MA in Counseling Psychology program at Mars Hill Graduate School, in Seattle, WA. The class was co-taught by Professor Christie Lynk and Dr. Stephanie Neill. Perhaps you might consider swinging by during your next West Coast adventure? It would be fun to “dance” with you, and I know for certain that–based on our class dialogue–my peers and faculty were truly moved and our perspectives broadened by our limited interaction with your writing. Regardless, it is a blessing to hear from you here.
Just a side note: depending on your familiarity with Seattle, I would also like to add that MHGS is not affiliated with any denomination or church (local or otherwise, specifically not with Mars Hill Church)–we’re considered a multi/inter-denominational progressive evangelical institution. But even that description misses who we are, as labels tend to do.
And I raise my glass to you and your amazing writing.
Oh how I am going to enjoy following your journey.